


lay my body down on the floor to forget what I've done

by justlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Diary/Journal, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 02:47:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlarry/pseuds/justlarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is a bit too curious. Harry's keeping a lot of secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lay my body down on the floor to forget what I've done

**Author's Note:**

> If you're easily triggered, I advise you don't read this as there are quite graphic descriptions of self-harm and depression.
> 
> Title from Where The Story Ends by the Fray.

Ever since he was a child Louis had always let curiosity take over him. he didn't have the willpower to fight it. That's the reason why he was sitting on the end of Harry's bed, leather-bound journal between his fingers, about to turn to the first page. Harry had left a while ago and really, it was his fault Louis was reading it. he was the one leaving his door wide open, showing the diary on his bed. Maybe he wanted Louis to read it. Louis didn't even believe himself but that didn't stop him from reading it. There was no date, it went straight into an entry.

I guess I'm going to write this to Louis, yeah, that would make sense.  
Louis,  
It's been nearly 3 years since I met you, nearly 3 years since we became best friends and nearly 3 years since I fell uncontrollably in love with you.

Louis stopped at that. He knew Harry swung that way, and yeah they were best mates, but he had never thought Harry wanted more than that. Especially not for 3 years. He looked back down at the diary and read on.

It's not very fair on me Louis, you know that right? I'm in love with my straight best friend who has also got a girlfriend. It's almost laughable from the outside. I'm an idiot for ever thinking you could feel at all similar. I'm an idiot for thinking you would choose me over her. But you're the one who's made me this idiot. You've made me fall so horrendously in love with you that there's no way out, no matter how hard I try. To be honest, I'm surprised none of you guys have noticed. I thought I was being obvious. Maybe you have noticed, but don't want to say anything. I don't know. All I know is that being in love with you is the best and the worst thing I have ever done.

That was the end of his first entry. Louis sat further back on the bed, trying to take in what he just read. There was so much information piled into a short entry, and he didn't know what to do. He looked at the time. 11am. Harry wasn't going to be home until a lot later. He turned to the next page.

Louis,  
I hate you so much right now. But you know who I hate even more? Your girlfriend. The other boys haven't noticed it, but she's changed you. I guess I've noticed because I spend my entire day hanging onto every last word that comes out of your mouth. I don't understand why you'd choose her over me. We had this date planned for nearly six months. I was waiting for you, all alone. You promised to be home before seven so we could have movie night like we used to. I was so worried. But then you stumbled in, drunk out of your wits. Do you know what time that was? Three am. I had been waiting five hours for you to come home. And you didn't even say anything. You didn't apologise, you just stumbled up the stairs and collapsed on the bed. You look like an angel when you sleep you know? You always look like an angel. 

Louis remembered the night vaguely. He hadn't realised Harry was so upset at him about it. But he hadn't noticed Harry was so in love with him either. How had he not realised? 

Louis,  
I don't really hate you. I could never hate you. You just know exactly how to push my buttons without knowing you're doing it. If that makes sense. it probably doesn't, but it doesn't matter. You're going to hate me though, when I tell you what I did. I didn't know what else to do. Please don't hate me Lou, please. 

Louis traced his finger over a tearstain on the page, catching his breath a little. The image of Harry crying made him feel so guilty; that was what he did to him. 

I didn't mean to do it Louis. I really didn't. But there were so many of them, telling me how fat I'd gotten. How disgusting I looked. I believed them Louis. And now I can't stop. I can't stop it Lou. I'm so hungry, all the time. But I can't eat. I can't be fat. I don't want to be disgusting. Remember that night, when we were having a night in with all the boys. Niall ordered some pizza; I forced it down my throat for you. I don't want you to worry about me. But when they were all gone, and you were asleep, I just felt so horrible. I'm sorry Louis, I'm so sorry. I just want to be perfect for you.

Louis was crying now. He had brought Harry to this point. It was all his fault. If he had just noticed earlier, maybe Harry wouldn't have got to this stage. Maybe he wouldn't have to be sick to feel anywhere near good enough. He was good enough. He was perfect. He just didn't believe it.

Louis,  
The boys have finally agreed with me. We all think you've changed. Not a lot, and not that badly; not for them at least. But you have. It's hard to explain, but you don't seem to care so much about the music. It seems like it's all about the fame for you. Well that and Eleanor. She's nice, but you spend way too much time with her; even if she is your girlfriend. The boys agree with me on this as well, so I know it's not just me. You've barely come to any of our past movie and pizza nights, you always have better plans with her. Louis, please come back. I miss you so much. I miss the old you. The one I always hung around with. The one who made inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times. The one who never failed to make me smile. Come home.

He heard the front door open, and footsteps in the hall. It wasn't even midday yet; Harry wasn't met to be home until seven. He dropped the journal back in its spot and crept back into his room.  
"Lou?"  
"One sec." Louis went downstairs slowly, met by Harry at the foot of them. "I thought you were out until seven?"  
"Nick had to cut it short."  
"That sucks."  
"Not so much, means I can spend time with you," Harry grinned. Louis faked a smile back; he understood the meaning beneath that now.  
"Pizza?"  
"I already ate with Nick, sorry. But we can watch a movie or something." Louis knew he was lying. The way he didn't make eye contact, the way he scuffed his foot along the floor.  
"Sure." Harry smiled. this was the first time in ages it would just be him and Louis. Just like old times. Louis slotted the DVD into the player and cuddled next to Harry.  
"I've missed this."  
"Me too."

~~~

Louis had to find another excuse to read Harry's diary. But he was out with Eleanor a lot. Like Harry had said. Now that Harry had pointed out Louis' flaws, Louis himself became a lot more aware of them. He tried to be with Harry as much as he could, but he didn't want to give the wrong sign to Eleanor either. He was stuck. Maybe if he broke up with Eleanor, everything would be better. But he did really like her. But he didn't want Harry to keep feeling like this. He found himself stressing over it daily, concerning Eleanor and Harry at his sudden change of demeanour. Louis was scared. Scared about Harry. He didn't know how bad it had gotten, whether he was getting better or anything. He didn't even know when the diary entries he read were written, which made him a bit more on edge, as this could have been months ago. Finally, he had an opening in which he could read Harry's diary. 

Louis,  
I'd love to say it's gotten better. I'd love to say I was eating. I'd love to be able to say that the things people were saying didn't get to me. But all of those would be lies. Nothing has gotten better, to be honest, it's all got worse. I did something even worse yesterday. Something that I can't even talk about. I know I shouldn't have. It makes me feel like I'm an attention seeker, because that's what people call them isn't it? People like me? People who hate themselves. That's my label. Along with manwhore, villain and faggot. No-one understands Louis. I don't mind being called the first two; I know they're not true. But faggot, that hits hard. Because I am gay. I can't deny it. And I'm being labelled because of it. And god, I don' know, am I an attention seeker? I'm not telling anyone about it. I'm writing it down, that's not seeking for attention. If I really was seeking for attention, I would walk around with tight, short-sleeved tops and a tattoo on my head saying 'depressed.' I don't know Louis. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I can do it. If I can watch as my life fades away, bit by bit. I've been trying to be optimistic, I can tell Liam's worried. He's always worried, but this time he knows that something is wrong. And I'm scared he's going to force it out of me. I'm even more scared that you'll find out and hate me for it. That you'll be the one calling me those names. I know you wouldn't but maybe I don't anymore. Maybe everything's changed, and maybe if you did find out, you would. Even if you do, you'll always be my angel.

"Shit," Louis whispered. There was no way he couldn't stop the tears. Was this really what it had come to? Harry thought that Louis would hate him. Harry thought that Louis would label him. Harry would still love him anyway. Louis didn't want to read them all, so he skipped to the last one. 

Louis,  
I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't know what's going on. They're all chasing me. All the voices. They're telling me I'm not good enough. They're telling me just to get it over with. They're telling me to leave, and never come back. Louis, please never leave me. Never forget me, please. I have to go. I have to. It's the only way to escape it all. Tell the boys that I wanted this. Tell them it's not their fault. Tell Liam he was right. Shit, you're home. I'm going to make this quick, but I love you Louis, you're my angel and maybe one day I could be yours. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong for you. I'm so sorry. But I have to go. I'll see you on the other side, my angel.  
Harry. 24/04/14.

"No, fuck." Louis ran. He ran out of the apartment. He ran around the city. 24th of April. Maybe he was too late. Maybe Harry was already gone. Louis dug out his mobile and called Harry.  
"Hello?" The voice was croaky, but easily distinguishable as Harry's.  
"Harry, where are you?"  
"I'm nearly there."  
"Where?"  
"You've been reading a lot recently Louis."  
"Harry where are you. Please don't do it. Please."  
"I'm standing on the edge, looking down at the city below. Because it's time to leave, it's time to go."  
"Harry!" Louis was staring up. A figure was at the top. Louis couldn't see it very well, but he was sure it was Harry.  
"My lover shouts my name, tells me to come down. But I don't hear him, my demons are the only sound."  
"Harry please."  
"My lover's too late, he can't help me live. My lover's too late, and I've given all I have to give."  
"Don't hang up Harry, please."  
"See you on the other side, angel."  
"No!" But Louis is too late. Harry steps into the air below him and he falls. He falls without a sound, he falls with a grace. He falls happy, and hits the ground black. 

~~~

"Harry will rest for his life, and he will rest happy. No matter how much we deny it, this is what he wanted. This was his escape to freedom. I would like to read a poem, written by the man himself. His last words said. I'm standing on the edge, looking down at the city below. Because it's time to leave, it's time to go. My lover shouts my name, tells me to come down. But I don't hear him, my demons are the only sound. My lover's too late, he can't help me live. My lover's too late, and I've given all I have to give." Louis whispered the next sentence, "See you on the other side, angel."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it :) Kudos and comments are appreciated.


End file.
